My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.