My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.