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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.


What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?


[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.


My town is so aggressive with recycling and waste collection that an alarm clock basically isn’t necessary. Monday mornings, it’s bottles and cans. Tuesday and Friday it’s garbage. Wednesday is paper and cardboard. Thursday is children up to age five, ONLY in approved containers.


“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel


(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.


My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.


So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.