[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich