My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.