My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
BETRAYAL
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.