My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
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Pro tip for my good boys out there
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that