My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I think I’m having a stroke
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.