My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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I feel seen.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition