My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you