My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages