My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The happy life.. 😊
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.