5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.
I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty