My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.