@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

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@looksliketuttut

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

@primawesome

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

@Average_Dad1

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

@AJslackie2

*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?

@patnspankme

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

@Phoebetate

So I’m still newish around here…

What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?