@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

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@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@AynRandy

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

@ianpauldukes

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

@momma0315

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

@Birdhumms

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

@mom_ontherocks

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

@TheHistoryBook

“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario