@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

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@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@climaxximus

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@robfee

I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner

@KentWGraham

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

@Divergentmama

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.

@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”