My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.


me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners


this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route


ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.


My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks


*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent


My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person


“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario