You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Art by Pastelkatto
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”