My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You Might Also Like
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
i guess his teacher was really pissed
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.