@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

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@GrantTanaka

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

@WilliamAder

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

@jake_likes_naps

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@PixieGreenEyes

Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?

@bobvulfov

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

@trojansauce

ME: hey baby

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME: *looks closer*

HOT GRILL:

ME: oh

@mrtruthandsoul

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!