@GrantTanaka
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
@WGladstone
My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
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@GrantTanaka
@SortaBad
I need better friends
@WilliamAder
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
@jake_likes_naps
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
@UnFitz
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
@PixieGreenEyes
Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?
@bobvulfov
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
@trojansauce
ME: hey baby
HOT GIRL:
ME:
HOT GIRL:
ME:
HOT GIRL:
ME: *looks closer*
HOT GRILL:
ME: oh
@mrtruthandsoul
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!