My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
lol
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth