My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
You Might Also Like
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.