My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Cndnsd Mlk
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.