My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
mariah carrie
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok