@timdonakowski

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

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@TheTweetOfGod

NEW EXPRESSIONS

“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”

@kumailn

Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

@1MeLrO

If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do

@JohnHilsen

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

@WeissBrandon

Relax white people, black people have the “N” word. But we still have words like “Yacht”, and sayings like “thanks for the warning officer”.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

@better_off_dad2

It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@LittleMissZesty

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.