My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
How can I say no to this ?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.