My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.