My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
No, YOUR illiterate.
an octopus is just a wet spider
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat