@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

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@BrettDruck

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.

@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

@Jerrypleasure

[First Day as a doctor]

Nurse: We need to draw some blood

Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets

Patient: *fainted*

@NapoleonNappy1

Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

@supnugget

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

@kathradical

I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman

@MissNaughty1801

Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance