Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[First Day as a doctor]
Nurse: We need to draw some blood
Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets
Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance