My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh