Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
*Puts on dragon costume
*Waits in bushes
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does