@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

@Adar79Angie

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

@BigBec43

*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*

@Chhapiness

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

@JohnLyonTweets

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@Home_Halfway

ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME:
DATE:
ME;
DATE:
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@KalvinMacleod

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.