My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?