@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

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@marccold

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

@lazerdoov

Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she’s old and cold she’s old and coooooold

@djdarrellripley

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

@molly7anne

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

@sarcasticmommy4

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.