My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I feel seen
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?