doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
Forgetting what you went into the kitchen to get is one thing but, it’s darn scary when you can’t remember why you went into the bathroom!
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”