MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”