MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
You Might Also Like
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram