My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”


me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.


I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.

The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.


Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok


*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?


After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.


What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us


As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over


You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.