The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.
The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.