My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.