My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
my nickname in college
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME