My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
No chill.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.