My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).


you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example


You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.


wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands


I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room



DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.

PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.

DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.


“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome