My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
this came to me in a vision
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE