My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

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Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.


Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.


My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.


When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend


“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”


Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.


Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?


To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.


son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months