@XplodingUnicorn

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

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@leannuh

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

@penelope20mn

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

@skickwriter

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

@dreamthievin

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

@HannahB_15

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@themorris23

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months