@Elizasoul80

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

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@hadafewbeers

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

@SuperJuanderer

I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@SugarMagicSpice

This isolation thing isn’t going to be so hard. I spent half my teenage years getting grounded so there’s that.

@MomofTeen

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

@aka_fatman

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

@DiscoFruit

they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.