My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

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I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.


When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.


My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.


Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.


‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.


Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.


They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.


[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”