My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
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Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.