My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You Might Also Like
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.