My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m so full I could puke a horse
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
quarantine day 3
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window