For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
do horses think humans are hats
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Stop being racist to kettles.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
How does one answer this?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me