My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke