My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You Might Also Like
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
dads on road-trips be like
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.