@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

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@TheCiscoKidder

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

@coolbudy1998

If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!

@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@WorkingMom86

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@hunz74

My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.