My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?


If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.


[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh


I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.


1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.


A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.


The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.