@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

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@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@ImaFlyontheWall

If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.

@UkeOfEarl1

[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@Quartzjixler

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

@TheBlessMess

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.