My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
So true for me
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.