@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

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@imabbylouise

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

@sweetmomissa

Can’t. Bribing my kids to dress up as mimes for Halloween this year so I have one evening of quiet.

@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@PaperWash

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

@occupied_stall

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

@danjan13

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

@TSDD24

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.