My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.