@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

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@jabbins

Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@ArinLeeMorris

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

@3sunzzz

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

@P_o_n_k

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod