My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.