My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life