A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.