[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
No, I don’t think I will.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
(Gaming support cat.)
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.