My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.

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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .


Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”


HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.


Welcome to your 40s! Your body will do new and exciting things such as sneeze-pee, yawn-burp, and light speed chin hair growth.


I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.


True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.


Bro do you even–

Bro I do.

*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*


Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?


Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*