My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
😍😂🥰😂😍
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.