Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
What is it boy?
Timmy’s stuck in a well?