@copymama

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

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@MarfSalvador

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

@3sunzzz

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

@MikeCanRant

Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@TragicAllyHere

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?