Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!