My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal