My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
You Might Also Like
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
oppen heimer style lol
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.